k+s {online}

We spent most of today working in the yard, and I cut some dill flowers, yarrow and marigolds for indoors. They look like fireworks, no? And it’s a good thing because it doesn’t look likely that many people will get to see the real thing tonight.

Rain started pouring just as Keith started grilling. But that won’t stop him from having a nice juicy hamburger and hot dog and all the trimmings. No siree.

It’s the American way.

K:

S: I would call him Duke Orange VonFluff of Luxembourg.

K: LOL… Where did that name come from!?

S: From my vast mental repository of linguistic nonsense.

K: I’m just glad I didn’t need a dictionary to understand that last sentence.

JUNE 8
KITCHEN — Keith and Sarah were forced to replace their dishwasher this weekend, when the heating element came unclipped from its happy resting place and settled on the bottom of the unit, melting a hole through the plastic. This is the third major expenditure in a slew of sudden, unexpected and rather pricey expenses, proving once and for all that the Universe is out to get all of Keith and Sarah’s cash assets — every last dime.  

It all started in mid-April, when Keith and Sarah received their annual letter from their Homeowner’s Association.

“There was a letter enclosed detailing our outstanding dues,” Sarah explains, ”almost $900: two years’ worth of dues. The problem was that we were supposed to be paying the HOA dues monthly into an escrow account when we pay our mortgage.” 

A few days and a flurry of phone calls later, Keith learned that the mortage lender the Ehmans were using had failed to charge Keith and Sarah for the HOA dues as part of their monthly mortgage payment, as stipulated in their mortgage contract.

“But WHY DIDN’T THOSE [HOA Executive Board members] SEND US A BILL LAST YEAR!?!!” Sarah added.

However, as it turns out, the Universe was just getting started.

At the end of May, just when Keith and Sarah had nearly recovered from paying the unexpected HOA dues, they took Sarah’s car to Mr. Tire for an oil change and tire rotation, and to top off the fluids while they were at it. The oil change and tire rotation were required before driving the car from their residence in Maryland to Savannah, Georgia, a few days later. But it was when Mr. Tire called to let them know the car was ready that the real wallet-ache set in.

“The guy said all four tires were showing second rubber; we had to replace them before driving to Savannah,” said Keith. “From $40 to $500, just like that,” he added, with a snap of his fingers.

Finally, just when it seemed they were clear of any more unplanned, but mandatory, major purchases, the four-year-old, bottom-of-the-line dishwasher went kaput. On the evening of June 5, Keith walked into the kitchen to retrieve a beer, when he discovered that the entire kitchen floor was covered in water, alerting him that something might be wrong.

“I saw the water and thought, ‘Oh no,’ and then I verbalized a few expletives,” explains Keith, “then my stomach started doing flip-flops and I just knew right then that it was true: the Universe is determined to screw us out of money.”

After shelling out another $600 for a new dishwasher, fittings and a new light bulb for the refrigerator, the Ehmans are maintaining hope that the Rule of Three holds true and the Universe will now leave them alone for a while.

MAY 7
SARAH’S OFFICE, Upstairs — A new study was released on Monday by researchers at the Association for Ehman Life Studies Laboratories, which shows conclusively for the first time that among the goings-on in the Ehman household, 97% of the time there is “nothing new” to report.

A team of five AELSL researchers conducted a survey of two people over the past three months. The survey posed what was essentially the same question in a number of different ways, seeking to gauge quality of life at Chez Ehman. Researchers asked questions like, “What’s going on?!”, “Anything new and exciting?!” and “What’s new with you?” using a variety of communication methods, including the phone, e-mail and face-to-face interaction. The most popular responses included the likes of ”Oh, just the same old same-old,” “Not really,” and “Nothing much, you?”

The study also emphasizes a strong correlation between the lack of exciting news to offer and the banality of the Ehmans’ life, according to researcher Mike Nickerson. “Reporting the findings of this study is a very important moment for the scientific community,” says Nickerson, “even if getting there was a little boring.”