House scheduled to undergo second major surgery

NOVEMBER 19, 2009
DINING ROOM — The Ehman House is scheduled to undergo a second major surgical procedure, after it was reported to be experiencing secondary complications just months after it underwent major open-wall surgery.

Chief Surgeon Greg cuts a small exploratory hole in the living room wall as Resident Surgeon Keith looks on.

The original procedure — a double two-by-four ceiling lift – involved the removal of a large beam, which stretched across the living room ceiling, and opening holes in the posterior wall to insert additional support to prevent second-level sagging. The uncommon surgery, which took place in late June, lasted approximately two days, and after several weeks of rehabilitation, the house seemed to be recovering nicely.

However, a recent bout of stormy weather involving heavy, driving rain revealed a fissure around the sliding glass door in the Dining Room.

“The fissure allowed a substantial amount of rainwater to build up in the Dining Room carpet and run the length of the room,” said Keith, the house’s resident surgeon.

According to Keith, the water buildup caused significant smellification in the carpet, which quickly spread throughout the rest of the house.

“Unfortunately, smellification at this level is difficult to contain and can cause serious unlivibility in houses, as it did in this case,” Keith added. The unlivibility caused the house’s inhabitants, Keith and Sarah, to spend two nights in the Hampton Inn. Despite the inconvenience, there is a positive side.

“At least we’ll earn enough hotel points for a free stay,” Sarah says, “you know, for next time the house blows up.”

To relieve the house of its unlivibility, Keith was forced to perform an emergency invasive procedure to eliminate the source of the smellification. Reports indicate that this initial procedure was successful at treating this symptom of the door fissure.

The house is scheduled for its second major surgery this weekend. The Ehmans’ chief surgeon, Greg, will once again assist Keith in performing the procedure, known as “caulking and tiling.” Though caulking and tiling is a common procedure for houses, neither surgeon has made any indication that he expects the operation to go without additional complications.

“Unfortunately, we almost always get surprises with houses like this during these types of procedures,” says Greg, “I mean, we might just find that it’s actually being held together by nothing but a handful of dry-rotted toothpicks and an M&M’s wrapper from 1987. We’ve learned to expect anything.”

Though asked to explain what he meant by “houses like this,” K+S has declined to publish Greg’s comment.

BREAKING NEWS: Standoff between Sarah, dirty dishes ends

OCTOBER 27, 2009
KITCHEN — A week-long standoff between Sarah and the growing pile of dirty dishes is finally over.

The 12-piece set of shiny new cookware is responsible for ending the standoff.

Just hours ago, Sarah announced the end of the standoff and openly credited the 12-piece set of shiny new cookware for helping Sarah and the dirty dishes reach a resolution.

Thought exact details of the negotiations are unknown, our experts believe that the cookware set encouraged Sarah to wash the dirty dishes, which had been piling up relentlessly over the past week despite furious protests by Sarah. As part of the compromise, the dishes have agreed to keep themselves under control from now on.

“I am proud of the progress we have made today,” Sarah said in this evening’s statement, “I hope that we can all move forward from this point with a greater sense of harmony and cleanliness.”

The entire cookware set will remain in the kitchen to provide expertise on improving productivity.

Analysts speculate that the cookware set may also soon help negotiate an end to the standoff between Sarah and the grocery store.