BREAKING NEWS: Standoff between Sarah, dirty dishes ends

OCTOBER 27, 2009
KITCHEN — A week-long standoff between Sarah and the growing pile of dirty dishes is finally over.

The 12-piece set of shiny new cookware is responsible for ending the standoff.

Just hours ago, Sarah announced the end of the standoff and openly credited the 12-piece set of shiny new cookware for helping Sarah and the dirty dishes reach a resolution.

Thought exact details of the negotiations are unknown, our experts believe that the cookware set encouraged Sarah to wash the dirty dishes, which had been piling up relentlessly over the past week despite furious protests by Sarah. As part of the compromise, the dishes have agreed to keep themselves under control from now on.

“I am proud of the progress we have made today,” Sarah said in this evening’s statement, “I hope that we can all move forward from this point with a greater sense of harmony and cleanliness.”

The entire cookware set will remain in the kitchen to provide expertise on improving productivity.

Analysts speculate that the cookware set may also soon help negotiate an end to the standoff between Sarah and the grocery store.

Ehmans suddenly remember about blog

JANUARY 9, 2009
SARAH’S OFFICE, Upstairs — After a three-month battle with the calendar, it suddenly occurred to the Ehmans that they have a blog.

Shawn crosses his arms and glares in disapproval of the Ehmans' blog-neglect.

They’ve made only 18 posts since the inception of K+S Online a little more than one year ago, leaving readers feeling disconnected and shut out of Keith and Sarah’s lives.

“How are we supposed to remain abreast of the details of their banal lives if they don’t bother to tell us about it?!” commented one reader, who wished to remain anonymous.

They even forgot to update their masthead according to the season; the pumpkiny-orange and chocolatey-brown October/mid-autumn design decorated the site well into January, leaving many confused and others worried.

“We thought all time had stopped,” said Shawn, a fan of Keith and Sarah. “It was horrifying.”

The Ehmans attribute the gross neglect of their personal Web space to “life, work and other stuff.” When pressed to elaborate, Keith stated, “In addition to our full-time jobs, I was teaching two classes in the evenings, Sarah was taking her second-to-last master’s course and preparing research and paperwork for her upcoming master’s project, and we both decided to make almost all of our Christmas gifts this year — I bought a lathe and have begun learning the noble craft of woodturning; Sarah crocheted a bunch of hats and scarves, and baked all kinds of delicious goodies. We also had to get the house ready to host our families for Christmas dinner. And sleep — we also had to sleep.”

Keith later added, “We wanted to post to our blog, but it just wasn’t high on our list of priorities. So we never got around to it.” He later retracted this statement after it caused waves of backlash from the global media and blog communities.

“We deeply regret the error of our ways,” said Sarah at a press conference on Friday morning. “There is no excuse for not spending an additional hour or two a week keeping the Internet updated with our exciting life of working, cleaning, eating and taking pictures — even when inspiration is not forthcoming due to the vast boredom we feel with our our lives. We value the tremendous support of the Internet, and in no way want to cause the Internet to be disappointed with us.”

Sarah went on to promise to “do better this year” by making more frequent posts — “even if it’s just a few photos” — and keeping the masthead up-to-date with the seasons and important holidays. However fans of the insignificant blog say it’s a statement that means little, given the Ehman’s blog-posting history. Still, others remain optimistic about this turn of events.

“We offer our gratitude and support for the strength and humility the Ehmans have shown this week,” the Internet said in a statement, which was released shortly after Sarah’s press conference Friday. “It’s about damn time.”