Drop in temperature prompts sock-trading frenzy

OCTOBER 13
BEDROOM — The Ehmans quickly began trading their socks today in a move that signals sock investors’ reaction to the impending downturn of the outdoor temperature.

“It’s definitely starting to cool off out there,” says Sarah, “our goal is to pull out our socks before it really starts dropping.”

The sock-trading frenzy started in mid-afternoon and continued into the evening. The Ehmans traded their dainty summer socks for more reliably warm socks, like Wool (WOL) and Thick Cotton (TCN), as experts indicate that the temperature is likely to continue dropping over the next several months.

“We’ve seen this happen before,” Sarah continues, adding, “I’m certain that this won’t last too far beyond March.”

This statement comes as good news to sock investors. But Keith warns that we’re not out of the cold yet: come February — when the temperature is expected to be at its lowest – warm socks will give way to bikinis and sandals in most retail outlets.

“I’d advise everyone to get into warm socks now,” he cautions, “because when it really drops, you won’t want your toes to be left out in the cold.”

Broken dishwasher proves Universe definitely out to screw Keith and Sarah out of money

JUNE 8
KITCHEN — Keith and Sarah were forced to replace their dishwasher this weekend, when the heating element came unclipped from its happy resting place and settled on the bottom of the unit, melting a hole through the plastic. This is the third major expenditure in a slew of sudden, unexpected and rather pricey expenses, proving once and for all that the Universe is out to get all of Keith and Sarah’s cash assets — every last dime.  

It all started in mid-April, when Keith and Sarah received their annual letter from their Homeowner’s Association.

“There was a letter enclosed detailing our outstanding dues,” Sarah explains, ”almost $900: two years’ worth of dues. The problem was that we were supposed to be paying the HOA dues monthly into an escrow account when we pay our mortgage.” 

A few days and a flurry of phone calls later, Keith learned that the mortage lender the Ehmans were using had failed to charge Keith and Sarah for the HOA dues as part of their monthly mortgage payment, as stipulated in their mortgage contract.

“But WHY DIDN’T THOSE [HOA Executive Board members] SEND US A BILL LAST YEAR!?!!” Sarah added.

However, as it turns out, the Universe was just getting started.

At the end of May, just when Keith and Sarah had nearly recovered from paying the unexpected HOA dues, they took Sarah’s car to Mr. Tire for an oil change and tire rotation, and to top off the fluids while they were at it. The oil change and tire rotation were required before driving the car from their residence in Maryland to Savannah, Georgia, a few days later. But it was when Mr. Tire called to let them know the car was ready that the real wallet-ache set in.

“The guy said all four tires were showing second rubber; we had to replace them before driving to Savannah,” said Keith. “From $40 to $500, just like that,” he added, with a snap of his fingers.

Finally, just when it seemed they were clear of any more unplanned, but mandatory, major purchases, the four-year-old, bottom-of-the-line dishwasher went kaput. On the evening of June 5, Keith walked into the kitchen to retrieve a beer, when he discovered that the entire kitchen floor was covered in water, alerting him that something might be wrong.

“I saw the water and thought, ‘Oh no,’ and then I verbalized a few expletives,” explains Keith, “then my stomach started doing flip-flops and I just knew right then that it was true: the Universe is determined to screw us out of money.”

After shelling out another $600 for a new dishwasher, fittings and a new light bulb for the refrigerator, the Ehmans are maintaining hope that the Rule of Three holds true and the Universe will now leave them alone for a while.