House scheduled to undergo second major surgery

NOVEMBER 19, 2009
DINING ROOM — The Ehman House is scheduled to undergo a second major surgical procedure, after it was reported to be experiencing secondary complications just months after it underwent major open-wall surgery.

Chief Surgeon Greg cuts a small exploratory hole in the living room wall as Resident Surgeon Keith looks on.

The original procedure — a double two-by-four ceiling lift – involved the removal of a large beam, which stretched across the living room ceiling, and opening holes in the posterior wall to insert additional support to prevent second-level sagging. The uncommon surgery, which took place in late June, lasted approximately two days, and after several weeks of rehabilitation, the house seemed to be recovering nicely.

However, a recent bout of stormy weather involving heavy, driving rain revealed a fissure around the sliding glass door in the Dining Room.

“The fissure allowed a substantial amount of rainwater to build up in the Dining Room carpet and run the length of the room,” said Keith, the house’s resident surgeon.

According to Keith, the water buildup caused significant smellification in the carpet, which quickly spread throughout the rest of the house.

“Unfortunately, smellification at this level is difficult to contain and can cause serious unlivibility in houses, as it did in this case,” Keith added. The unlivibility caused the house’s inhabitants, Keith and Sarah, to spend two nights in the Hampton Inn. Despite the inconvenience, there is a positive side.

“At least we’ll earn enough hotel points for a free stay,” Sarah says, “you know, for next time the house blows up.”

To relieve the house of its unlivibility, Keith was forced to perform an emergency invasive procedure to eliminate the source of the smellification. Reports indicate that this initial procedure was successful at treating this symptom of the door fissure.

The house is scheduled for its second major surgery this weekend. The Ehmans’ chief surgeon, Greg, will once again assist Keith in performing the procedure, known as “caulking and tiling.” Though caulking and tiling is a common procedure for houses, neither surgeon has made any indication that he expects the operation to go without additional complications.

“Unfortunately, we almost always get surprises with houses like this during these types of procedures,” says Greg, “I mean, we might just find that it’s actually being held together by nothing but a handful of dry-rotted toothpicks and an M&M’s wrapper from 1987. We’ve learned to expect anything.”

Though asked to explain what he meant by “houses like this,” K+S has declined to publish Greg’s comment.

Drop in temperature prompts sock-trading frenzy

OCTOBER 13
BEDROOM — The Ehmans quickly began trading their socks today in a move that signals sock investors’ reaction to the impending downturn of the outdoor temperature.

“It’s definitely starting to cool off out there,” says Sarah, “our goal is to pull out our socks before it really starts dropping.”

The sock-trading frenzy started in mid-afternoon and continued into the evening. The Ehmans traded their dainty summer socks for more reliably warm socks, like Wool (WOL) and Thick Cotton (TCN), as experts indicate that the temperature is likely to continue dropping over the next several months.

“We’ve seen this happen before,” Sarah continues, adding, “I’m certain that this won’t last too far beyond March.”

This statement comes as good news to sock investors. But Keith warns that we’re not out of the cold yet: come February — when the temperature is expected to be at its lowest – warm socks will give way to bikinis and sandals in most retail outlets.

“I’d advise everyone to get into warm socks now,” he cautions, “because when it really drops, you won’t want your toes to be left out in the cold.”