NOVEMBER 19, 2009
DINING ROOM — The Ehman House is scheduled to undergo a second major surgical procedure, after it was reported to be experiencing secondary complications just months after it underwent major open-wall surgery.

Chief Surgeon Greg cuts a small exploratory hole in the living room wall as Resident Surgeon Keith looks on.

The original procedure — a double two-by-four ceiling lift – involved the removal of a large beam, which stretched across the living room ceiling, and opening holes in the posterior wall to insert additional support to prevent second-level sagging. The uncommon surgery, which took place in late June, lasted approximately two days, and after several weeks of rehabilitation, the house seemed to be recovering nicely.

However, a recent bout of stormy weather involving heavy, driving rain revealed a fissure around the sliding glass door in the Dining Room.

“The fissure allowed a substantial amount of rainwater to build up in the Dining Room carpet and run the length of the room,” said Keith, the house’s resident surgeon.

According to Keith, the water buildup caused significant smellification in the carpet, which quickly spread throughout the rest of the house.

“Unfortunately, smellification at this level is difficult to contain and can cause serious unlivibility in houses, as it did in this case,” Keith added. The unlivibility caused the house’s inhabitants, Keith and Sarah, to spend two nights in the Hampton Inn. Despite the inconvenience, there is a positive side.

“At least we’ll earn enough hotel points for a free stay,” Sarah says, “you know, for next time the house blows up.”

To relieve the house of its unlivibility, Keith was forced to perform an emergency invasive procedure to eliminate the source of the smellification. Reports indicate that this initial procedure was successful at treating this symptom of the door fissure.

The house is scheduled for its second major surgery this weekend. The Ehmans’ chief surgeon, Greg, will once again assist Keith in performing the procedure, known as “caulking and tiling.” Though caulking and tiling is a common procedure for houses, neither surgeon has made any indication that he expects the operation to go without additional complications.

“Unfortunately, we almost always get surprises with houses like this during these types of procedures,” says Greg, “I mean, we might just find that it’s actually being held together by nothing but a handful of dry-rotted toothpicks and an M&M’s wrapper from 1987. We’ve learned to expect anything.”

Though asked to explain what he meant by “houses like this,” K+S has declined to publish Greg’s comment.

OCTOBER 27, 2009
KITCHEN — A week-long standoff between Sarah and the growing pile of dirty dishes is finally over.

The 12-piece set of shiny new cookware is responsible for ending the standoff.

Just hours ago, Sarah announced the end of the standoff and openly credited the 12-piece set of shiny new cookware for helping Sarah and the dirty dishes reach a resolution.

Thought exact details of the negotiations are unknown, our experts believe that the cookware set encouraged Sarah to wash the dirty dishes, which had been piling up relentlessly over the past week despite furious protests by Sarah. As part of the compromise, the dishes have agreed to keep themselves under control from now on.

“I am proud of the progress we have made today,” Sarah said in this evening’s statement, “I hope that we can all move forward from this point with a greater sense of harmony and cleanliness.”

The entire cookware set will remain in the kitchen to provide expertise on improving productivity.

Analysts speculate that the cookware set may also soon help negotiate an end to the standoff between Sarah and the grocery store.

1. In which we cut a slice of wedding pie together to ensure a bountiful and fertile future, and also because we like to eat pie.

2. In which we determine how wide to make the slice of wedding pie — made with my own two hands — and I attempt to save the edge of the crust.

3. In which Keith gives me a bite of wedding pie (strawberry, thank you).

4. In which I shove strawberry wedding pie into Keith’s mouth at knife-point. And you’ll LIKE it, so help me…

5. In which I decide never to make strawberry pie again.

JANUARY 9, 2009
SARAH’S OFFICE, Upstairs — After a three-month battle with the calendar, it suddenly occurred to the Ehmans that they have a blog.

Shawn crosses his arms and glares in disapproval of the Ehmans' blog-neglect.

They’ve made only 18 posts since the inception of K+S Online a little more than one year ago, leaving readers feeling disconnected and shut out of Keith and Sarah’s lives.

“How are we supposed to remain abreast of the details of their banal lives if they don’t bother to tell us about it?!” commented one reader, who wished to remain anonymous.

They even forgot to update their masthead according to the season; the pumpkiny-orange and chocolatey-brown October/mid-autumn design decorated the site well into January, leaving many confused and others worried.

“We thought all time had stopped,” said Shawn, a fan of Keith and Sarah. “It was horrifying.”

The Ehmans attribute the gross neglect of their personal Web space to “life, work and other stuff.” When pressed to elaborate, Keith stated, “In addition to our full-time jobs, I was teaching two classes in the evenings, Sarah was taking her second-to-last master’s course and preparing research and paperwork for her upcoming master’s project, and we both decided to make almost all of our Christmas gifts this year — I bought a lathe and have begun learning the noble craft of woodturning; Sarah crocheted a bunch of hats and scarves, and baked all kinds of delicious goodies. We also had to get the house ready to host our families for Christmas dinner. And sleep — we also had to sleep.”

Keith later added, “We wanted to post to our blog, but it just wasn’t high on our list of priorities. So we never got around to it.” He later retracted this statement after it caused waves of backlash from the global media and blog communities.

“We deeply regret the error of our ways,” said Sarah at a press conference on Friday morning. “There is no excuse for not spending an additional hour or two a week keeping the Internet updated with our exciting life of working, cleaning, eating and taking pictures — even when inspiration is not forthcoming due to the vast boredom we feel with our our lives. We value the tremendous support of the Internet, and in no way want to cause the Internet to be disappointed with us.”

Sarah went on to promise to “do better this year” by making more frequent posts — “even if it’s just a few photos” — and keeping the masthead up-to-date with the seasons and important holidays. However fans of the insignificant blog say it’s a statement that means little, given the Ehman’s blog-posting history. Still, others remain optimistic about this turn of events.

“We offer our gratitude and support for the strength and humility the Ehmans have shown this week,” the Internet said in a statement, which was released shortly after Sarah’s press conference Friday. “It’s about damn time.”

OCTOBER 13
BEDROOM — The Ehmans quickly began trading their socks today in a move that signals sock investors’ reaction to the impending downturn of the outdoor temperature.

“It’s definitely starting to cool off out there,” says Sarah, “our goal is to pull out our socks before it really starts dropping.”

The sock-trading frenzy started in mid-afternoon and continued into the evening. The Ehmans traded their dainty summer socks for more reliably warm socks, like Wool (WOL) and Thick Cotton (TCN), as experts indicate that the temperature is likely to continue dropping over the next several months.

“We’ve seen this happen before,” Sarah continues, adding, “I’m certain that this won’t last too far beyond March.”

This statement comes as good news to sock investors. But Keith warns that we’re not out of the cold yet: come February — when the temperature is expected to be at its lowest – warm socks will give way to bikinis and sandals in most retail outlets.

“I’d advise everyone to get into warm socks now,” he cautions, “because when it really drops, you won’t want your toes to be left out in the cold.”

Recently I purchased a lathe and decided that I would try to turn something just to try it out.  This object is about 1.5 inches wide and about 4 inches tall.  I didn’t really have any purpose in mind for this turning; it was just something to do.  When I showed it to Sarah she said that it looked like a candlestick and my parents said it looked like a chess piece.  Both of those interpretations work fine for me!  Now it looks like I have a few things to try: make some candlesticks and a full blown chess set. 

The chess set is what I am worried about.  I have always wanted a nice chess set but making the whole thing has not been seriously considered.  I have thought about making a nice chess board but don’t think I have considered actually making all of the pieces as well.  One might say that I am a bit of a perfectionist and with that said creating a chess set is quite a daunting (and challenging… and fun) task because I will want all of the pieces to look the same.  So creating 16 pawns, 4 knights, 4 bishops, 4 rooks, 2 queens and 2 kings and having all of the pawns look exactly the same as all of the other pawns.  And all of the knights look just like the other nights… and… you get the idea.  I will give it a shot and see what happens.

Bob: Come on, man! Buy American!

K: Look at you, eating Canadian steak.

B: I’d rather be eating Canadian pizza.

S: HOLY FRIJOLES THE POLLO IS RUNNING CALIENTE TODAY!

K: LOL… Creo que el pollo es un poquito caliente hoy.

S: Que es questo gibberish?!

K: What?

…we all go a little bananas.

We spent most of today working in the yard, and I cut some dill flowers, yarrow and marigolds for indoors. They look like fireworks, no? And it’s a good thing because it doesn’t look likely that many people will get to see the real thing tonight.

Rain started pouring just as Keith started grilling. But that won’t stop him from having a nice juicy hamburger and hot dog and all the trimmings. No siree.

It’s the American way.